First off - spring break ended. First day back at school. Torture.
My host mother wanted me to take the bus but I didn't have any bus tickets so my host father had to drive me. I felt like a nuisance. It's not a good feeling.
I felt extremely nervous//off balance all day. I kept leaving the classroom to get food and wander around. I had absolutely no interest in attending classes today. It's so difficult not to zone out when everyone's speaking in rapid Italian. It takes everything in me to concentrate and listen.
After school everything was normal. I came home at 1:30. Ate lunch. Ok. Fine.
Then there was a huge problem.
I was hanging out in the bedroom, reading Twitter and minding my own business, when suddenly Ludovica and my host mom came in with stern looks. Apparently, Ludovica had brought home some chocolate from the mountain as a present for somebody. She brought home 3 squares and 1 was missing. They asked me if I ate the missing chocolate.
I said no.
They asked again. Then they took me to the fridge to show me where the chocolate was. They asked again and again. They brought up the duck incident (DUCKGATE 2013 NEVER FORGET). They explained how no one else could have possibly eaten the chocolate. Then Ludovica texted her brother and asked him if he knew what had happened and he confessed. Case closed. Mystery solved.
Ok. That's fine. But for whatever reason, it wasn't fine with me. Maybe it was because I had a weird day. Maybe it's because I'm sensitive to the fact that I've been overeating to compensate for feeling alone//off balance//abroad. I don't know. But I just couldn't deal with it. How they didn't believe me. How they didn't take my word for it and trust me. I couldn't handle it.
We left the house to go to the office. I didn't speak the entire car ride. When we arrived at the company I didn't wait for Ludo and my mom to walk with me, I entered the office alone. This was the breaking point. My host mother knew something was up. She confronted me.
"Your mood has changed. One hour ago you were happy, now you are not talking."
"Yes, I'm angry."
"Why?"
"Because I can't live in a place where people don't trust me."
I don't know exactly what was said after that. We had words. She couldn't understand why I was angry. She said it was normal that Ludo asked me about the chocolate. I agreed that part was normal, but persisting the way she did made me uncomfortable and then eventually annoyed and then finally angry.
I went for a walk. As soon as I was alone I started crying - just straight sobbing in the middle of some secluded Italian country road with beautiful villas and olive trees. I called Runa. I called Elena. I cried a lot. It was a very low moment. Then, as I was lying on my back, eyes closed, taking in the sun, I felt a tiny thing come sit down next to me.
It was a dog.
Not just any dog. I know this dog. I've seen him before. He's homeless - I'm sure because he hasn't got a collar and his fur is matted and he smells terrible. But he hangs out near the grocery store where we often go and I've seen him there. Anyway, he seemed to understand how I felt. Dogs are great in that way. They always know.
I spent over an hour just sitting there with that little, homeless dog. Then I decided my "walk" was over and I headed back to the office. The dog followed me but I didn't let him inside. I felt I'd caused enough of a scene for one day.
Even though we had left things on a bad note, I told my host mom about the dog and we had a good laugh. (She remembers the dog because whenever we see him outside the grocery store I always ask if we can take him home. I miss having a dog, sue me.) Then Ludo and I went for manicures. It was as if nothing had happened.
All that matters at the end of the day is that you chose the right color for your nails.
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